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| - Swimming horses I haven't written in a while. :/ So....yeah. My bearded dragons had babies...haha. 12 of 'em. So, yeah, I dunno what to write, just thought I'd make an entry.
=D | | |
| I know it's long, but, he really does help me, so much. Hardxcorexllama is me, and the other person is my friend, Crys.
Tell em what you think? You don't have to. u_u
hardxcorexllama (1:37:10 AM): I don't know why I am so afraid of people, it...I just I...don't know.
nailsxandxbunnys (1:37:39 AM): swallow it?
hardxcorexllama (1:38:14 AM): I try, I'm trying hard, to change a lot.
nailsxandxbunnys (1:38:30 AM): That's good then
nailsxandxbunnys (1:38:59 AM): There's nothing wrong with failing it's just disturbing when you can't even try.
hardxcorexllama (1:40:18 AM): I just kept thinking, why should I change? But then, I realized, it's for the best, I guess. I just hate feeling worthless.
nailsxandxbunnys (1:43:51 AM): well, there isn't much anyone can change about that. It's all up to you all we can do is give a little light on the situatuion.
hardxcorexllama (1:44:44 AM): Yeah.
nailsxandxbunnys (1:45:00 AM): I'm sure you've heard this all before though
hardxcorexllama (1:45:12 AM): I have :/
nailsxandxbunnys (1:50:34 AM): Get off your lazy ass stop feeling fucking sorry for yourself and do something for a change. You won't get better if you just stay in the same place. I mean god, you aren't pathetic and i know that. Live up to what you can be.
nailsxandxbunnys (1:50:37 AM): better?
nailsxandxbunnys (1:52:59 AM): aww you left me?
hardxcorexllama (1:53:30 AM): My computer is going to fucking die.
hardxcorexllama (1:53:43 AM): I will kill it, and have no fucking mercy for it
nailsxandxbunnys (1:53:55 AM): so you didn't hear my bitching?
hardxcorexllama (1:54:02 AM): I saw it.
hardxcorexllama (1:54:06 AM): :/
nailsxandxbunnys (1:54:08 AM): good,
nailsxandxbunnys (1:54:19 AM): I give you something real fo once.
hardxcorexllama (1:54:24 AM): I wish more people would say that to me, not just my mother
nailsxandxbunnys (1:54:38 AM): Hey, that was mean
hardxcorexllama (1:54:55 AM): What was mean?
nailsxandxbunnys (1:55:03 AM): campared me to your mother
hardxcorexllama (1:55:17 AM): Sorry. :/
hardxcorexllama (1:55:52 AM): It just remined me of my mom.
nailsxandxbunnys (1:56:04 AM): but I was doing it in a nice way.
nailsxandxbunnys (1:56:14 AM): you know, not sugar coated?
nailsxandxbunnys (1:56:19 AM): cause sugar is't good for you.
hardxcorexllama (1:56:21 AM): Yeah
nailsxandxbunnys (1:56:38 AM): *hugs* was I right?
hardxcorexllama (1:57:02 AM): Yes, you were
nailsxandxbunnys (1:57:10 AM): really?
nailsxandxbunnys (1:57:21 AM): or am I just hearing what I want to hear?
hardxcorexllama (1:57:32 AM): No, you are right.
nailsxandxbunnys (1:58:13 AM): I never feel like I ever hear what you think.
hardxcorexllama (1:58:25 AM): What do you mean?
nailsxandxbunnys (1:59:32 AM): Like you never seem to really say what you think or exactly how you feel.
hardxcorexllama (2:00:06 AM): Half the time, I don't know what I am feeling, or thinking for that matter.
nailsxandxbunnys (2:01:38 AM): this is just my sleep deprived ideas though. I think you've created a wall to make yourself distant. Like you've made yourself forget your feelings. Maybe because of your mother but I get the feeling you've never been allowed to express your feelings so you just stopped.
hardxcorexllama (2:02:07 AM): Yeah.
nailsxandxbunnys (2:02:19 AM): not healthy.
nailsxandxbunnys (2:03:27 AM): You do know what you're feeling Gabby. You just say you don't so you don't have to feel it.
nailsxandxbunnys (2:03:46 AM): it's your body and mind why shouldn't you have complete control over it.
nailsxandxbunnys (2:05:06 AM): why?
hardxcorexllama (2:05:33 AM): Never thought about it.
nailsxandxbunnys (2:05:53 AM): why? ( I sound like a 3 year old)
hardxcorexllama (2:06:53 AM): I just don't know.
nailsxandxbunnys (2:08:32 AM): but why don't you know? what's making you stop answearing this quesiton other than you're not sure how to answer it.
hardxcorexllama (2:09:04 AM): I'm afraid, I guess.
nailsxandxbunnys (2:09:20 AM): what are you afraid of?
hardxcorexllama (2:10:37 AM): Afraid...of letting anyone in....I'm afraid, that everything, I say, or do would make..you mad.
nailsxandxbunnys (2:10:50 AM): I'd never be mad at you
nailsxandxbunnys (2:11:50 AM): The world isn't your mother. You can open up and I promise I won't be angry at you for it. I'd be so proud of you if you did.
nailsxandxbunnys (2:12:04 AM): I'm sick of this hard shell I always see. I want to know you.
hardxcorexllama (2:13:08 AM): It's so hard. I wish, I could...
nailsxandxbunnys (2:13:18 AM): what's stopping you?
hardxcorexllama (2:15:22 AM): I have is set in my mind...that everything I do is wrong. No matter what anyone says to me. I'm an error. I'm what's the fault.
nailsxandxbunnys (2:17:29 AM): Gabby, just let go, for right now. Even if you are an error. Mistakes are what makes things real. And I know you're real, underneath all the fake things you show there's someone who is real. You've opened a little before.
nailsxandxbunnys (2:19:55 AM): I know, I'm pushing it.
hardxcorexllama (2:20:16 AM): I wouldn't know now. I can't...fuck.
nailsxandxbunnys (2:20:43 AM): don't get upset
hardxcorexllama (2:21:00 AM): I'm already upset.
nailsxandxbunnys (2:21:10 AM): I know, I pushed you too far.
nailsxandxbunnys (2:22:50 AM): You'd be so much better if you could break through.
hardxcorexllama (2:23:16 AM): I feel hopeless.
nailsxandxbunnys (2:23:27 AM): you aren'r
nailsxandxbunnys (2:23:40 AM): Can't you let go?
hardxcorexllama (2:24:02 AM): I'm...afraid to let go.
nailsxandxbunnys (2:24:15 AM): and I'm afarid of the dark
nailsxandxbunnys (2:24:24 AM): but the sun will go down
hardxcorexllama (2:25:54 AM): It's just...it's me. I'm me, but...I don't know who I am. I can't figure...wjat uis wrong, why I can't fix it, my I feel miserible every minute of my ife.
nailsxandxbunnys (2:26:48 AM): Gabby dear
nailsxandxbunnys (2:26:58 AM): do you realize what you just did?
hardxcorexllama (2:27:06 AM): No.
nailsxandxbunnys (2:27:26 AM): you just said how what you thought.
nailsxandxbunnys (2:27:35 AM): you said how you felt
nailsxandxbunnys (2:27:55 AM): "I FEEL miseable every minute of my life."
hardxcorexllama (2:28:36 AM): ...I guess, that is a good thing.
nailsxandxbunnys (2:28:57 AM): it's a step closer.
nailsxandxbunnys (2:29:21 AM): how do you feel right now?
hardxcorexllama (2:29:52 AM): Nothing....I feel...cold.
hardxcorexllama (2:30:15 AM): Empty.
hardxcorexllama (2:30:57 AM): Confused a little.
nailsxandxbunnys (2:31:39 AM): have you ever bitched out you mom?
hardxcorexllama (2:31:54 AM): No.
nailsxandxbunnys (2:32:19 AM): do you ever want to?
hardxcorexllama (2:32:43 AM): Not...really.
hardxcorexllama (2:32:51 AM): Just sometimes.
hardxcorexllama (2:33:24 AM): I'm usually, to bussy taking it out on myself.
nailsxandxbunnys (2:34:01 AM): do you know why you cut and shit?
hardxcorexllama (2:34:10 AM): Yes.
nailsxandxbunnys (2:34:42 AM): why?
hardxcorexllama (2:35:52 AM): I don't deserve...the skin I'm in. Or, I hate my body.
nailsxandxbunnys (2:36:44 AM): what makes you think that?
hardxcorexllama (2:39:44 AM): If, I can't do anything right, then...I should feel pain.
nailsxandxbunnys (2:39:56 AM): I don't think so
nailsxandxbunnys (2:40:08 AM): I think it's more simple than that
hardxcorexllama (2:40:23 AM): What do you mean?
nailsxandxbunnys (2:40:47 AM): Well you said that you were too busy taking it out on yourself.
nailsxandxbunnys (2:41:05 AM): so, it leads me to think it's to stop you from saying anything
nailsxandxbunnys (2:41:13 AM): To show your feelings mor eor less
hardxcorexllama (2:42:42 AM): Yeah, I guess your right. I can't tell you how I feel, so here I'll fucking carve it in my skin. Yeah, I did that, get's me yelled at more, get;s me in trouble, un wanted attention.
hardxcorexllama (2:43:26 AM): But then I guess, it;s all for attention! So what the fuck does it matter!
hardxcorexllama (2:43:45 AM): It' not for attention anymore, it's becuase, I don;tknow hwere else to turn to.
nailsxandxbunnys (2:44:23 AM): and that's fine
nailsxandxbunnys (2:44:34 AM): I'm not trying to make you stop cutting. I gave up on that
hardxcorexllama (2:45:11 AM): Bad habbits die hard.
nailsxandxbunnys (2:45:16 AM): yep
nailsxandxbunnys (2:45:31 AM): But sweeite. why do you cut?
nailsxandxbunnys (2:45:37 AM): in a simple form
hardxcorexllama (2:46:01 AM): How do I put it simple? I told you why.
nailsxandxbunnys (2:46:16 AM): I know but I mean condence it.
nailsxandxbunnys (2:46:23 AM): make it less deep
nailsxandxbunnys (2:46:52 AM): There's a certain thing I'm looking for.
hardxcorexllama (2:47:06 AM): It;s becuase of my mother, is what you want me to say.
nailsxandxbunnys (2:47:12 AM): no
hardxcorexllama (2:47:26 AM): It isn't.
hardxcorexllama (2:47:32 AM): The only reason
nailsxandxbunnys (2:47:41 AM): well, that's obvious
nailsxandxbunnys (2:48:01 AM): but... what's it feel like?
nailsxandxbunnys (2:48:24 AM): when you drag a line on your skin and blood starts to run
hardxcorexllama (2:48:44 AM): It hurts.
nailsxandxbunnys (2:48:51 AM): does it really?
hardxcorexllama (2:48:59 AM): Yes.
hardxcorexllama (2:49:23 AM): It hurts, becuase...I hurt.
nailsxandxbunnys (2:49:36 AM): but if it hurts... why would you keep doing it.
nailsxandxbunnys (2:50:05 AM): I mean, you're talking to an ex cutter here. I've analyzed many cases and most of them have something in common.
nailsxandxbunnys (2:50:33 AM): It feels good, doesn't it?
nailsxandxbunnys (2:50:39 AM): The pain is nice to feel.
hardxcorexllama (2:50:46 AM): Yes.
nailsxandxbunnys (2:50:58 AM): does it feel good to cut?
hardxcorexllama (2:51:19 AM): It feels...relaxing.
nailsxandxbunnys (2:51:25 AM): yeah
hardxcorexllama (2:51:43 AM): Like, you can concentate on one spot.
nailsxandxbunnys (2:51:50 AM): you'd have to like it to want to do it.
nailsxandxbunnys (2:52:45 AM): you can feel the blood seeping out before you see it.
hardxcorexllama (2:52:58 AM): Yeah.
nailsxandxbunnys (2:53:01 AM): and seeing it is just as satisfying.
hardxcorexllama (2:53:14 AM): Mm-hmm.
nailsxandxbunnys (2:53:32 AM): for me it's more of some under the surface sexual desire.
nailsxandxbunnys (2:53:53 AM): doesn't mean it's the same for you.
nailsxandxbunnys (2:54:35 AM): but a way to treat heroine. One of the most addicting drugs is that they have another drug and slowly step you down off of that untill you don't need it.
nailsxandxbunnys (2:54:41 AM): Something less harming.
nailsxandxbunnys (2:55:10 AM): so if you wanted to stop cutting you could find something just as if not more pleasurable
hardxcorexllama (2:57:31 AM): I don't think I'm ready to stop, althought I have been doing it less.
nailsxandxbunnys (2:57:39 AM): which is good.
nailsxandxbunnys (2:58:01 AM): but when you are ready... you shouldn't have to go on your own. you know?
hardxcorexllama (2:58:01 AM): Now, it;s like...once a month, other then once a week.
hardxcorexllama (2:58:11 AM): Yeah.
nailsxandxbunnys (2:58:32 AM): Mad at me?
hardxcorexllama (2:58:39 AM): No.
nailsxandxbunnys (2:58:50 AM): okay, I was sure you'd hate me by now
hardxcorexllama (2:59:10 AM): I could never hate you, you mean to much to me.
nailsxandxbunnys (2:59:33 AM): my feelings for you as well
nailsxandxbunnys (2:59:46 AM): darling...
nailsxandxbunnys (2:59:49 AM): it's 6am
nailsxandxbunnys (3:00:12 AM): the restictions of my human body are coming close
nailsxandxbunnys (3:00:17 AM): must sleep.
hardxcorexllama (3:00:22 AM): Okay.
nailsxandxbunnys (3:00:35 AM): Have I made you feel anything?
hardxcorexllama (3:00:46 AM): Better.
nailsxandxbunnys (3:01:00 AM): good, so it wasn't worthless.
hardxcorexllama (3:01:08 AM): No, it wsn't.
nailsxandxbunnys (3:01:15 AM): Good night, Gabby.
hardxcorexllama (3:01:24 AM): Goodnight.
nailsxandxbunnys (6:34:28 PM): Hello
hardxcorexllama (6:34:38 PM): Hi
nailsxandxbunnys (6:34:57 PM): So no ones mad at me still?
hardxcorexllama (6:35:19 PM): Well, I'm not, I dunno about anyone else.
nailsxandxbunnys (6:35:52 PM): Oh good.
hardxcorexllama (6:37:00 PM): Indeed. How was your day?
nailsxandxbunnys (6:37:36 PM): I only got an hour of sleep though.
nailsxandxbunnys (6:37:46 PM): so..
nailsxandxbunnys (6:37:56 PM): it was okay in that hazy what the hell is going on wy
nailsxandxbunnys (6:37:58 PM): way
hardxcorexllama (6:38:18 PM): Aw, well, I suppose one hour is better then nothing.
hardxcorexllama (6:38:49 PM): I got woken up at six by some cemete dude outside my window. Then we went to the mall.
nailsxandxbunnys (6:39:54 PM): you went somewhere?
hardxcorexllama (6:40:02 PM): Yes!
hardxcorexllama (6:40:11 PM): I got an AFI story book.
nailsxandxbunnys (6:40:59 PM): ooo
hardxcorexllama (6:41:45 PM): It made me angry.
hardxcorexllama (6:42:03 PM): I went to Hot Topic and they had all this Nightmare Before Christmas stuff,and I am poor
hardxcorexllama (6:42:10 PM): I mean a giant wall!
nailsxandxbunnys (6:42:59 PM): Well, they tend to do that this time of year.
hardxcorexllama (6:43:38 PM): I mean...my room...nothing but Nightmare Before Christmas....and bats...I can't help it, haha.
nailsxandxbunnys (6:45:03 PM): hmm
hardxcorexllama (6:46:38 PM): Yes, for I am an obsessive freak!
nailsxandxbunnys (6:47:09 PM): you seem happy today.
hardxcorexllama (6:47:34 PM): I am very happy.
nailsxandxbunnys (6:47:52 PM): *gasp*
nailsxandxbunnys (6:48:08 PM): so... um... why are you happy?
hardxcorexllama (6:48:34 PM): I don't know, I woke up in a happy mood.
nailsxandxbunnys (6:48:53 PM): well, I guess I won't question that any further
nailsxandxbunnys (6:48:58 PM): but Yay!
hardxcorexllama (6:49:07 PM): Yay!
nailsxandxbunnys (6:49:35 PM): but...
nailsxandxbunnys (6:49:41 PM): Um, I'm really fucking tired
nailsxandxbunnys (6:50:20 PM): like not being able to type tired... I wonder how many typos are in this since I have my eyes closed.
nailsxandxbunnys (6:50:23 PM): ...shit
hardxcorexllama (6:50:41 PM): Go to sleep!
nailsxandxbunnys (6:50:56 PM): Yeah that's the point I was getting to.
hardxcorexllama (6:51:22 PM): Just had to say it, heh.
nailsxandxbunnys (6:52:32 PM): Now onto the point
nailsxandxbunnys (6:52:36 PM): ...point
nailsxandxbunnys (6:52:42 PM): oo magical.
hardxcorexllama (6:52:56 PM): Uh, yeah.
hardxcorexllama (6:52:58 PM): ..
nailsxandxbunnys (6:53:30 PM): lol, sorry
hardxcorexllama (6:53:56 PM): It's okay.
nailsxandxbunnys (6:54:41 PM): I'm cute when I'm tired?
hardxcorexllama (6:54:52 PM): Yes.
hardxcorexllama (6:55:13 PM): I'm rarely cute...
hardxcorexllama (6:55:20 PM): Or am I? Hmm.
nailsxandxbunnys (6:55:49 PM): always cute
nailsxandxbunnys (6:55:56 PM): even when you're not
hardxcorexllama (6:56:29 PM): Heh...well. I can't help the cuteness, it comes naturally, I suppose.
nailsxandxbunnys (6:57:21 PM): normally does
nailsxandxbunnys (6:57:40 PM): Oh god, I love you when you're happy.
hardxcorexllama (6:58:17 PM): Ahh *hides* It's very rare!
nailsxandxbunnys (6:58:50 PM): I know which is why i love you when you're sad too
hardxcorexllama (6:59:48 PM): Aww.
hardxcorexllama (6:59:56 PM): I love you too. Heh
nailsxandxbunnys (7:00:50 PM): even when I'm bitchy?
hardxcorexllama (7:00:58 PM): Of course.
nailsxandxbunnys (7:00:59 PM): and i yell at you
hardxcorexllama (7:01:36 PM): Actually, that is what makes me love you more, for some odd reason....becuase not enough people give me a verbal slap
nailsxandxbunnys (7:02:21 PM): I figured that but now i feel all bad
hardxcorexllama (7:02:41 PM): Why would you feel bad?
nailsxandxbunnys (7:03:17 PM): Because... I yelled at you and probably made you feel bad at some point.
hardxcorexllama (7:03:46 PM): It did at first, but then I thought about it, and forgot about it.
nailsxandxbunnys (7:04:45 PM): You've over complicated your feelings. *My uneducated diagnoses*
hardxcorexllama (7:05:19 PM): What does that mean? That confuses me.
nailsxandxbunnys (7:07:28 PM): Well, when I was trying to make you tell me why you cut. You sort of... said everything but what I wanted to hear
nailsxandxbunnys (7:08:25 PM): No ones problems really run all that deep. You just have to simplify it to make it look smaller.
hardxcorexllama (7:08:54 PM): I've always been over emotional.
hardxcorexllama (7:09:10 PM): I guess...I should take Drama..haha/
nailsxandxbunnys (7:11:11 PM): but
nailsxandxbunnys (7:11:13 PM): right
nailsxandxbunnys (7:11:16 PM): I need to go to bed
hardxcorexllama (7:11:28 PM): Okay.
nailsxandxbunnys (7:11:40 PM): Have a good evening.
hardxcorexllama (7:11:46 PM): You too | | |
| I'm in teen-angst mode. Oh no. I am having one of those days. Mainly because my mom was upset, and if she is spset set god damnit everyon else has to be! She kept beitching and complaining, nad I usually ignore it but it really got to me, so what does Gabby do? Gabby goes in the bathroom and cuts the fuck out of her leg, thats what she does. I didn't want to go to my room and get the razors in there, because it would look obviouse, me walking around with a razor. So I went and got one of those disposible shaver thingies, and I brokw it in half, and I cut my thumb, too, on accident. And I cut on really deep, because someone knocked on the door. It was reall really deep, just deeper than I would uaually do. I went a long time to without doing it, I didn't even count. I don't want to set a limit or count because if I keep focoused on it like that it makes me want to do it more. Its alwas been that way, I guess, only when I was younger, I didn't know better, and I didn't know people who cared enough to make me stopp, but then again I've never told anyone about it til recently, so I guess that sorta has to do with it. I don't know. This is really getting to much for me, keeping everything locked away. Its so much that little things make me cry, I mean they always have, but I have been crying more so lately.
Yeah, I am an idiot. Heh, I fuck myself up, and then I regret it. Makes me wish I was dead. | | |
| I got a song for this, its suppose to be The Leaving Song by AFI. Can you hear it? I hope so, haha | | |
| - talk to me dance with me Today was a rather boring day. I didn't do much,just listened to music. Summer is not one of my favorite times of the year, other than the no school, but even than, it gets a little redundent. I feel a little withered lately, meaning I don't exactly feel my best. I'm stil slightly sick. My emotional wellbeing isn't exactly fresh either. I still haven't cut or anything, but I feels so....lonely. I can't take the slince sometimes. I've been thinking a lot lately about past events, and it makes it harder and harder to breathe. I can't quite explain, its just a regretfullness. I haven't been sleeping. When I try to sleep, I relefectand think more, and frankly I don't like he things in my head. I don't like the thoughts. I don't like the feelings, memories and such. I feel a thiness in my attention aswell. I can't focus on people around me. I can't feel them. It takes so much energy to focus on them and I seem to do it at the wrong time.
I feel selfish. In everything I do. I feel like everything I do is wrong. So much, that it repulses me to think, I could never do any better. I'm not trying anymore. I'm not trying to fix myself. That sounds strange. Fix myself, I'd rather be broken. I feel vunerable. I wont one thing, I can't have it, I can never have what I want. I feel sold inside, and a frightful awakeness. My head is clouded by all these thoughts, I wish it could shut off. I don't like being so....so...scared.
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